Cocksucking, ass fucking, and bruises - oh my! 

No orgasms for me though, and that’s really fucking with my head.  I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve cried today.  The sleep deprivation isn’t helping, either. 

I know, I know.  I’m a whiny brat to be so upset about not coming, aren’t I?  I guess it’s just bursting the dam at this point.  Feeling neglected and terribly undesired and.. a word I can’t think of.  I guess it makes me feel shitty and used and worthless and unlovable and all that horrible crap I thought I mostly got over years ago.  I’m that sobbing, heartbroken teenager again, desperately yearning, wanting so badly, needing to be loved and cherished and desired, but feeling so painfully sure that those things aren’t really possible for girls like me.

Feeling.. betrayed? in a way.  It’s that bait and switch feeling again, like with MJ.  There’s never time for me, always something else more important, or more interesting.  And I’m too difficult and unexciting.

The worst part is that I know it’s at least partially my own fault for allowing it to be so.

Fuck, I need a nap.

I’ll write a better post later, one that has more focus on all the good things, and not this shitty shit shit.

About 12 hours from now, I’ll be in Jersey.  I am really looking forward to the weekend.  This will be the first sex/kink event I’ve ever been to with a partner.  Hell, this is the first event where I’ll know even one other person there.  

Being female might get in the way of some of the hoped-for debauchery though, which is intensely, maddeningly disappointing.  Let’s hope for the best though, right?  And even if I can’t get everything I want, just kissing Xel, long and luscious and inappropriate in public..  that’s enough to make me want to get in the car and leave right now.  We’ll probably spend some time in the dungeon, too, which is so very exciting.  I’ve never topped in public before, and am very much looking forward to it.  Hell, I’m looking forward to topping him regardless of where. 

We’re going to need to talk a lot more though.  Xel has some potentially explosive issues that I’m going to have to tread very carefully around.  And he’s such a noob to bdsm, but so much more experienced than I am in just about every other arena.  Every time I ask him about kinky things he wants to try or experience, it’s always a cheerful, “I don’t know.”  It’s going to take real work to ferret out his motivations and find the buttons that will work.  I do love a challenge though. 

Oh, I want to make him cry.   I want to drive him crazy with passion and sensation and pleasure and pain.  I want to make him feel things no one else ever has.  I want to open him up and hold his beating heart in my hand, cradle it in my palm like a little broken bird.

Can’t really write now, but just have to say how very much I’m looking forward to the upcoming weekend with Xel in NJ (ha, never thought I’d be excited to go to Jersey!).  Oh, the potential debauchery, how it makes my soul sing!

(It’s going to be odd going through the vendor area with Xel though, him being all anti-leather and me getting aroused by the smell of it, wanting to brush the tails of the floggers over my naked breasts and such.)

[It's upsetting that I haven't been able to coordinate schdules with Derek lately though.  Was hoping to see him before the long weekend away.  Still haven't had a chance to try out my homemade toys with him..]

I’ve been incredibly tired lately, can’t even remember the last day I felt really alert.  It’s almost all my own fault, of course.  Watching too much Doctor Who, going to bed too late.  There’s so much I want to write about here, but this could actually be the night I get a full eight hours of sleep.

Soon though, I’ll write a proper post very soon.

I did end up going to the party Saturday night, and am very glad I did.  The people were very cool, and there was actually socializing!  I didn’t sit in a corner by myself all night!  And I almost got to play a bit with someone. She left before we did anything, but there was mention of the next party though.   

At some point, I will be writing a real thoughtful post here.  I even have one in the works.  So tired lately though.  Need to sleep more.

This is the first Saturday in 6 years that I’m not working or off doing something somewhere.  I was totally lazy, but couldn’t enjoy it, feeling all day like I should be doing something productive.  Even when I was being productive I still felt anxious or guilty.  Guess this whole weekend thing is going to take some getting used to.

Meh, my rsvp message from early afternoon isn’t showing up on the yahoo group for the play party tonight.  Dammit.  Party starts in less than two hours now.  It looks like I’ll be spending the evening with MJ, which isn’t such a bad thing, especially since she’s been all sweet and wanting to spend time together, and she was disappointed that I was gone last night.

She’s going to be home soon.. I think I’ll do some quick cleaning so she can’t tell what a lump I was all day…

What a bummer.  Last night’s party turned out to be rather a waste of time and money.  The burlesque show was fun, but it lasted less than an hour, and then… nothing.  I think three couples used the bondage furniture, and three couples had sex in the not-very-voyeur-friendly swingers room.  None of the kink scenes was even remotely interesting to me (one spanking, one brief single-tailing, and one thigh-high-booted woman with a small middle-aged man on a cross).  And not a single person spoke to me all night.  I suppose I could have approached someone, but.. where?  The bar seats were full, and even in the other rooms, people were paired off or in groups talking amongst themselves. 

I was pleasantly surprised by the mix of people there, however.  Though that probably had a lot to do with the fact that it wasn’t a strictly kink event.  But there were a lot of people in regular clothes, and there was surprisingly little pro-dom inspired fetishwear. 

It’s always a quandary for me to figure out what to wear when I go out.  Masculine or feminine?  Dress up or dress down?  I want to meet people, especially people who would like to date or have some hot sex with me, and I want to look appealing to anyone who might lean that way.  People always say “just be yourself!” but… which aspect of myself?  ‘Cause I don’t know about you, but I’m not that simple.  There’s a reason I’m a queer poly switch - I like variety.  Hell, I am variety.  Usually I say “fuck it” and end up wearing something comfortable but trying to work the tomboy look, something not too masculine or too feminine. Last night’s cargo shorts, tank top, and button-down men’s shirt seems to have become something of a uniform for me. 

But anyway.  Being pleasantly surprised.. At play parties I’ve attended in the past, it always seemed skewed heavily toward white, hetero couples.  But even though there really weren’t very many people at last night’s party, there actually seemed to be a pretty fair mix of races and orientations - that alone makes me want to go back.  I wonder if that’s become typical of the local scene, or if last night’s event was just different. 

Good stuff this week.  Here’s the semi-quick and dirty, since I really need to get off the computer and start my evening:

I quit my part-time job on Saturday.  It was very anticlimactic.  No tearful goodbyes after 6 years of employment, really no goodbyes of any kind.  The only person who knew it was my last day was the manager who makes the schedule.  it’s a little sad, and I’m feeling a little nervous about the fact that I won’t have that extra income anymore - it wasn’t a lot, but it put money in my wallet for things like lunches and snacks and reading material and gasoline.

Derek came over Tuesday night, for a nice low-pressure bondage-and-a-movie evening.  I’ve never done anything like that with anyone before.  It’s the kind of thing I’ve often thought about, but didn’t really think a play partner would want to do.  The best part is that I wasn’t the least bit stressed about it beforehand - usually I get anxious before playing, worrying about doing a good job, holding myself up to some vague standard of fabulous domhood or something.  Knowing that it’s on me to make sure we both have a good time, afraid that I’ll fail.

Yesterday was clay day.  The woman who used to be my boss, who I suppose I could now call a friend.. we’ll call her Rose here… anyhoo, she has a kiln and does ceramics, and she invited me over last week and yesterday to play with clay.  It’s going to be a weekly thing, which is so exciting.  I’ve done a fair bit of crafting, but very little actual art in the seven years since I graduated from college with my useless Fine Arts degree.  It felt so good to create like that, to use my hands to shape something from nothing.  I originally intended to make penis fountains, which I’ve been talking about doing for years, but ended up making goddesses instead.  I’m very excited about my three little ladies, even though they’re not quite done (and I need to fix a few things), so I have to show them off:

Tonight I’m going to try and hit up the Peep Show, since Artomatic is closing this weekend.  It’s already 6pm though and I haven’ t eaten or showered, so we’ll see how that goes.  Maybe I could go on Saturday instead…

Tomorrow night I’ll be at the local(ish) dungeon, for a burlesque show and play party.  It’ll be the first time I’ve been to that place in two years I think.  Then Saturday night is a women’s play party…  I’m trying not to be nervous.  Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me that I’ll be social and actually talk to people, and not stand in a corner looking painfully submissive by myself all night.

So..  Busy, busy!  And all good!  Xel even called me of his own volition last night, just to chat.  Now all I need is to get a decent night’s rest - self-discipline, where art thou?

I haven’t used the “bdsm” tag on a post in a long time.  That makes me sad, because it means I haven’t done anything kinky in far too long.  Haven’t even been noodling kinky things lately, aside from thinking about things I want to do, but am afraid won’t get the opportunity to do with Xel.  It’s even been a month since I’ve seen Derek.  We haven’t even been talking much on IM.  Sad, that.

Aside from the lack of kink though, life has been very.. full.  Well, not full exactly, but tiring.  It seems like almost every aspect of my life has been very uncertain lately, though now a lot of it seems to be resolving, to a degree.  I am not taking the new job I’ve been talking about.  I finally talked to the woman in charge, and she was very negative (which was a huge change from her enthusiasm after my first interview with her). To make a long story short, the guy I had the third interview with didn’t like me.  Apparently he found my hair color (even though I made sure to explain it and reassure him I was planning on changing it back) and my ample cleavage unprofessional.  Funny that, as he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, while I was wearing black pants and a dressy top.  I guess I took it too literally when they told me that they had already decided to hire me and that the third interview was just a formality to answer my questions and find out where I wanted to go in the company.    I also have suspicions that there is some sizism at work.  But whatever - fuck them, I didn’t really want to work there anyway.  Yeah.

So I’m going to stay at my current job and start really looking for something else, something with a set schedule, that I’ll actually enjoy, where I work for people who don’t dislike me.  I’ve also been dithering about quitting my part-time job, and I’ve almost made up my mind to do it.  Even though the money’s very handy, I think it’s an unhealthy place for me.

Then there’s the situation with MJ.  She’s been very sweet lately.  But I’ve finally, really, made up my mind about what to do about the relationship with her.  It looks like we’re going to be moving within the year (still in the same area though), for reasons not worth going into here.  So when that happens, I’m going to talk to her about having separate bedrooms, and slowly back things off from there.  It sounds a little like a cop-out, I know, but it feels right.

And Xel.   I don’t really know what the deal is with him.  In retrospect, I don’t think the email I sent was so embarassing after all.  But he still hasn’t responded to it.  I will probably call him tonight.  There are a lot of things I want to talk to him about - the nudist club, the dvd’s he burned for me, the fact that there’s only another week before the price of the September event increases, the fact that July 4th makes a long weekend.  The job offer I’m not taking.  What makes someone good in bed.  Whether he thinks Rose is hot or if he agrees with me that the excess of eye makeup is offputting.  And if “I’m not busy this weekend, do you want to come up and visit?” is ever something that might come out of his mouth.

Thinking about what I wrote yesterday, about setting myself up to be unsatisfied (which is what that whole post was originally supposed to be about..) - I want sexual attention, I want my partner to play with me and touch me and make me come.  But I often feel guilty when they do. 

Yesterday I complained about disinterested touching, but part of it isn’t necessarily their lack of desire, it’s my fear of there being a lack that taints the touching and makes me feel icky  and uncomfortable and unsatisfied.  And I’m not sure where that insecurity comes from, other than body issues perhaps, or the remnants of old self-esteem issues in general. 

So I guess what I need is reassurance of desire along with the touching and attention.  Heh, I guess I’m not as low-maintenance as I like to think.