slightly overwhelmed and decidedly undecided.

Had an incredibly shitty end-of-day at work.  Stayed an hour late to start fixing something that got fucked up.  Frustration.  And it irks me that I taught myself how to do something for those assholes, and did it well, but there wasn’t a single positive word spoken about it.  And I’ll probably have to go into work on Friday, when I’m supposed to have the day off.  And they’re still not paying me the amount that was promised at my review.  Fuckers.

Maybe I will take that job offer, even if they don’t want to pay me enough.  And have me drive long distances…  meh.

I feel stuck in the decisions I have to make.  Obviously there’s the job offer, but I’m also unsure what to do about MJ now.  Almost as soon as I made the decision to break up with her, she started being so damn sweet.  And it’s going to be a really unpleasant thing to go through, which is part of why I’m hesitating.  There is a potential roommate to take her place though, but I think he needs a place really soon.  I dont’ know how long it would take MJ to find a new place to live.  I dont’ think she’s going to leave gracefully and/or quickly.  She’s definitely going to cry.  Last night she was being all sweet, snuggling up to me in the most adorable way and telling me how much she loves me. 

*sigh*

This isn’t the right frame of mind to think about these things and make decisions.  Shower, focus on to-do list, relax.  Make life-changing decisions when I’m over the desire to curl up with a teddy bear and cry.

 

fuck being sick.

Fuck being sick. I haven’t seen Derek in weeks, since before Christmas. First he was sick, then I was sick. Now MJ’s getting sick, so I can’t host a play session, and I’m still not really over whatever illness I’ve had. *sigh*

‘Tis the season, I supppose. I’m looking forward to some snow. Maybe if it finally feels like winter’s really here, the sick phase will seem more worthwhile somehow. It seems silly to get a cold when it’s barely even cold outside.

 

Fuck. Me.

I manage to feel shitty about the same things over and over. I would actually welcome a new problem, if it would let me stop worrying the same unsolvable shit again.

I have a need for touch that is never addressed. (Sometimes I wish I weren’t so fucking picky about who I’m attracted to. Or thinner. Same thing, really, when you think about it. When I think about it anyway. But back to the touch thing.) I’d call it a craving, but the only word that really works is need. Maybe it seems silly, but I feel like a loving touch on a regular basis would keep me sane. Without it I feel like I’m going to fly apart at the seams and implode at the same time. I would give up something precious for a certain sort of person to look at me with lust in their eyes and love in their hands.

The past few weeks, I felt like I’d finally gotten over my discontent. Finally ok with the current relationships in my life. I think that’s what the unstoppable headaches I’ve been getting are really all about. Tamping down my own needs, stuffing emotional pain back inside myself, stressing out without letting myself address it. The real problem is that I don’t know how to address it.

Fuck, maybe I’m just hormonal - the urge to cry has been very close behind my eyes the past day or two. As a matter of fact, I cried after I masturbated today. Curled up, sobbing on the floor. I hate that shit. Can’t even have a good wank, ’cause it just makes me feel lonely and fundamentally, heartbreakingly unfulfilled. Again. Blah.

I’m feeling desperate and that’s bad. It also makes me unhappy with MJ. It doesn’t help that she spent hours “fooling around” on the couch with someone else last night. She and I have actually had some sex lately, but she never seems to touch me more than she thinks she has to.

Fuck, it hurts that’s she so reluctant to touch me, but she’ll do fucking strangers for hours. (…while I’m aching with the need for it…) Fuck, it hurts.

It brings me back frighteningly close to those many years when I hated myself and my body. I am very aware of the fact that a very large number of people would find me repulsive. Generally, I don’t really care, or I try not to. But when I was a teenager, I used to cry all the time because, more than anything in the world I wanted to be loved with touch, and I didn’t think anyone would ever really want to touch me. I know that’s not true now, but maybe one doesn’t really ever get over feeling ugly as a teenager.

I guess I got myself into this damn situation though. I’ve always known MJ wasn’t sensual. I guess I just didn’t realize how much that would matter.

But what to do? Crying about it doesn’t do a goddamn thing except give me a headache. If only Xel hadn’t turned out to be a jerk. That would have been such a good arrangement. Such a perfect fit into my life. I’d have been able to have my cake and eat it too. But he’s history… so what to do, what to do? Get more aggressive with the personal ads, I suppose. Stop fucking whining about it here and feeling sorry for myself. ‘Cause I hate that shit, too.

 

rar.

What’s the fucking point of writing in here? Everyone else says what I want to say, only they all do it so much better.

Yeah, I’m ridiculously bitter and other unflattering adjectives. So sue me.

I want to rip someone’s face off tonight. Or maybe just eat a lot of chocolate and escape in a novel.

MJ is gone for the weekend and the boy is supposed to come over tonight. I’m not in the mood. But I’ve canceled on him a number of times already, doing it again would make me feel like such an asshole.