femininity = submission? fuck that. and fuck me, while you’re at it.

A well-phrased excerpt from BJ (emphases mine):

“One crucial thing was over looked in this race to elevate women to bossiness. To escape the oppressive tyranny of PIV sex and let women be in charge. They failed to notice that it wasn’t being penetrated itself that was submissive. It was just that all femininity was equated with submission - that everything a woman did in sex had been made to look as if it was a priori submissive.

But there is no way that such simple basics – being the hole or the plug – are on their own submissive or dominant. It only has further meaning in context.

Sometimes it feels like femdom is a big mirror. You hold it up to the world and you see all kinds of yukky beliefs reflected by and clear. Like that bit in the Snow Queen or something.
But that’s the fact. Way back in the past when they invented misogyny they decided that women were lower status and thus had the low status role in sex. He had the mighty phallus – she had the dirty needy hole. You can see how femdom later thought, hey, lets flip this shit. Let’s make the guy be called slut for wanting and be filled. But those things aren’t really submissive. Having something pushed into your body that feels amazing is only submissive because someone decided that the female role in sex was a submissive one.

You don’t need to put the guy on the bottom because he is the bottom. It misses the fucking point. Fucking. Which is the point. Which feels good. Which doesn’t have an innate power exchange embedded in it.

Really. It just doesn’t.”

 

ambivalance

Feeling so ambivalent about Derek. We have a date for Sunday, and I’m feeling very little enthusiasm indeed. I guess it’s the whole, “Wow, I’m really not attracted to him at all” thing… I want to be. I’m so very attracted to the things he wants to do, the things we’ve talked about. But there’s such a very little spark of feeling for the person, nice as he is. It makes me feel like some kind of cold bitch… He should be so fun to play with - I mean really, he’s so eager to wear the strap-on dildo gag and see how well he can make me come. That should make me so hot. Normally, it would.

Maybe it’s just that my libido has taken a crash dive. I don’t know…

The thread on the message board about fat people has had me all upset too. It was like a slap in the face, in a way. Sometimes I forget how much the world reviles us. And it’s not without a tiny grain of truth, and I think that’s what’s most upsetting. It seems unfair that my very personal struggles are painted so vividly on my body for the world to see and judge. Maybe that’s part of it though.. but those are thoughts for a different blog.

Anyway.. to break the date, or keep it, hoping that my feelings will change in the next couple of days? I can’t even talk to him about it really, I confused him enough with the Bad Reaction. He doesn’t need to know where my head and heart are jumping around, just the end result. Can’t confuse the sub, now can I? Ugh.

 

eager to please

I have a new boy. He’s a good one, too. Drove a half an hour just to knock on my door and hand me the soda I requested, then get right back in his car and leave. (And he was happy about it!)

It is so seductive so be able to say, “I want it. Do it. That’s all there is to it.” …and be mostly serious.

There’s something so appealing about just using someone like that. And the.. devotion implied in their willingness to do it.

 

old diary: "a brief and sparkling time"

more old diary:

Monday, October 20, 2003 & 18:23 PM

Aaah, so much to write about and not the words or time to do it, as usual. Weekend was.. good. Spent most of it with the girl from my last entry.. I’ll call her Lex. Went to a Halloween party Saturday night, and I looked fucking fabulous, if I do say so myself. Though I wasn’t terribly social. Mostly I just kind of observed the other people at the party and watched Lex socialize. She’s quite talkative. Which is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. We were going to do a bit of needle play, but it didn’t happen. Shame. Not the right time yet I guess.

I’ve been thinking, and have come to the conclusion that (at the moment at least :P) I’m more of a dom than a sub. I do have very strong submissive feelings sometimes, but I only feel that way with very particular people, or if I’m really tired or depressed and want to feel safe and loved. Though maybe I’m kidding myself because I just don’t want to be submissive. Maybe the fact that I don’t want to means that I’m really not.. Heh. I think my submissiveness is just more.. focused? particular? than my dominant side.

The beast in me is hungry. Famished and snarling for fresh and bloody meat to tear into and consume. Lex and I have been talking a lot and making plans for playing with boys, and oh has that ever whet my appetite for domination. Hopefully we’ll have a boy for Halloween. Dress him up, tease him, torture him a little. Put him in his place and have him serve us, make sure he’s properly grateful. Should be a hell of a lot of fun. The current prospect for that position seems really cute, smart, subservient, interested in crossdressing, all that good stuff. And he’s a virgin. *rubs hands together gleefully* Almost too good to be true.

I’m keeping my guard up about this whole situation with Lex though. Something’s telling me I need to be very cautious. Or maybe I’m just paranoid and worry too much. How does one differentiate between instinct and fear?

*sighs*

[...so restless and impatient and ravenous. It's almost time, and the beast knows, it smells it, tastes it on the air. I feel it clawing at my insides, roaring to be let free, if only for a brief and sparkling time. ]

 

[A clip from submissivemale.blogspot, just 'cause I like it.]

In my late twenties I spent a fun sex-filled weekend at Disney World with a girlfriend. We stayed at the Swan Hotel and made love all weekend long. On Sunday morning , after sharing mutual orgasms, she showered while I lounged in bed - our morning entanglements fresh in my mind. After she finished in the bathroom I took my own long hot shower and walked out wearing only a towel. My sexy girlfriend [a sassy television reporter] fully dressed and hungry for breakfast, looked admiringly as I walked over and kissed her.

I’d been aware of my submissiveness for years; yet hadn’t shared any of it with her for fear of rejection. As we kissed deeply, I let the towel fall to the floor and exposed her to my renewed erection. She was a bit apprehensive about my open nudity yet thoughtfully cupped my balls as my penis rose in celebration of her subtle dominance of me. I stood nude before her as she took measure of me - fully clothed; unaware of her power. I kissed her neck delicately and respectfully. She was getting turned on but stopped short. We left for breakfast and spent the rest of the day touching, squeezing, kissing and anticipating the sex that would come later in the evening once we got home.