black sheep

I’m tired of other people’s opinions having such a huge effect on the way we live our lives. I’d like to say I dont’ give a shit what anyone thinks, but that’s just unrealistic, ’cause who wants to live in a cave by themselves. If you have to interact with people, the way they see and judge you affects the way they treat you. I do think I’ve cultivated a bit of blindness to that, which has shielded me a bit. But still, sometimes it just sucks to be the black sheep.

Probably about 5 years ago, I babysat for some of my cousin’s in-laws (almost family, though it doesn’t sound like it - we’re included in all their family gatherings, and vice versa). I still had brown hair and still considered myself straight and Christian. I wore a denim skirt, an art nouveau style top, and a small, smooth, white collar with decorative metal rivets. I wasn’t wearing it as a kink thing, it was jewelry. Because it was the kind of pretty that I like, pretty that isn’t weak, that has a slight edge to it. And it looked nice with my outfit.

The mother of the children I watched noticed it and later, she laughingly told the rest of the family that I’d been wearing a dog collar. Apparently the grandmother found it very upsetting, and claimed that she didn’t want me babysitting her grandchildren anymore, didn’t want me alone with them.

She’s known me since I was 12.

These days, I don’t even want to know what they’re saying about me. If they got that worked up about a piece of jewelry, they must have a hard time not herding the kids out of the room whenever I come in, now that I have unnaturally colored hair and a girlfriend. Who doesn’t come to family gatherings anymore by the way, since my cousin asked us to refrain from being affectionate in front of the kids. Since my cousin’s husband got upset at Christmas when MJ sat on my lap.

But anyhoo. I wasn’t writing this to bitch about their intolerance. More to say that I feel like such an outsider sometimes, that even though I’ve chosen it, it does get tiring. Even with my closest friends, I’m the “freak.”

I don’t intend to complain about that. I deliberately choose to be “different,” to not hide who I am, to do things and be the way I want to be. I don’t want to be normal, I don’t want to be invisible anymore, I want to be what I want to be and fuck the rest of the world. Except… the rest of the world fucks me back sometimes.

 

little boxes

[all of this has basically been said by other people, and better than I did, but I guess I needed to spew it out anyway. Just to get it on record, or something, that gender baffles and infuriates me.]

Gender is such a weird thing - it’s an expectation that someone will or should be a certain way just because they have a particular configuration of flesh between their legs (never mind intersex people). It’s fucking ridiculous and damaging.

I mean, really, does that crap actually work for anyone? Male = this and female = that… We’re clinging to a ridiculous, non-functional, dualistic way of thinking just because… that’s the way it’s “always” been?

I guess most people fit into their prescribed boxes well enough that they don’t ever have to think about it. Because they don’t feel too uncomfortable, they don’t ever consider that the world could, and should, be different.. but I can’t help but think that even those people would find it easier to be comfortable and happy in themselves if we allowed for some diversity and stopped separating things into genders… Not to mention, of course, the people who aren’t at all comfortable being shoved into a role and set of expectations that doesn’t begin to fit who they are. I’m probably pretty lucky in that sense, luckier than Maymay, at least. The world is much more tolerant of “masculine” women than pretty boys. Especially if that woman is fat and/or sterotypically femininely unattractive to begin with.

Why does the world hate women so much, anyway? It’s always the characteristics that are supposedly female that are reviled. Women are second-class citizens, just because they’re not men. And it’s ok for anyone to want to be mannish, but when a guy embodies some supposed aspect of feminity, it’s so often considered a weakness, something to mock him for. (Bah, I’m almost certain that Helen said something about that in one of her books, and much better than me…)

What the hell is wrong with a guy wanting to be pretty? I wish more guys were like that. It’s certainly more pleasant to touch, and be around, a pretty boy than a supposedly manly one. And I get sweaty and dirty and grunty enough for everyone in the room, ha. Macho, arrogant men piss me off more than any other type of person. What’s not to love about a guy who’s sweet and soft and wants to be cherished? What’s not to love about a person whose body is a sensual pleasure? I dig women, but I don’t want my boy to be one - but that doesn’t mean I don’t want him to smell nice, feel nice, and be the antithesis of the caveman I’m supposed to want.

 

Think I’m ugly, do you?

[This is something I wrote on a message board. It's a big deal to me.]

The original poster said:
“Am I the only one who is becoming increasingly turned off by obesity? I understand that this is totally Politically Incorrect, but what used to be a minor preference has grown larger (pardon the hyperbolic metaphor) over the past few years until it is now a deal-breaker from the start. Does anyone else equate willingness/ability to maintain one’s body with ability/willingness to maintain other areas of one’s life, like relationships? Or am I just a jerk?”

[quote="Myles"]a person’s size does not equate to the richness of his/her life. I’ve met lots of people over the years, and thin/fit people have just as much personal, emotional, and relationship baggage as fat people. it’s like comparing apples and oranges. the ability to be in healthy relationship with others has to do with how your head works, not how much you exercise or how much you eat. ditto for keeping a clean house, a stable job, taking good care of kids, and sustaining friendships.[/quote]

What Myles said. Read it again, even.

It is deeply insulting for you to say that because I am fat I lack the ability to “maintain” any area of my life. If someone plays a lot of video games, or watches a lot of TV, or is a workaholic, or smokes a lot of cigarettes, does that necessarily mean they “lack the ability and willingness to maintain other areas of their life?”

I have to say, I can’t help taking this all very personally.

The fact that several, if not almost all of you, are saying that being “overweight” makes someone universally unattractive, downright ugly even, pisses me off more than I could possibly express without blood flying. I really don’t care what any of you personally think is attractive because you’re not my partners, but at least acknowledge that your taste is not shared by everyone else. Just because you believe something doesn’t mean that everyone should think the same thing. There are people who can find others sexy if they’re over a size 12, you know. Over a size 22, even. There’s even a whole host of people who prefer it. And there are a lot of people who can be healthy when they’re “overweight,” if you’re going to get into that argument. It is all so relative too. I guarantee you that I am at least as healthy as my skinny girlfriend.

Everyone has baggage, everyone has issues, everyone has flaws, everyone has different ways of dealing with stress. Fat people just happen to have the disadvantage of their issues or whatever being more blatantly visible than a thin person’s. (Assuming that their weight is due to lifestyle choices and not medical conditions, of course. And also assuming that they’re not fat because they want to be.)

 

a comment about beauty and power

“Indigo’s Violent” left this in part of a comment on Bitchy Jones’ blog:

“It was clear growing up that only pretty girls had power over boys, even the kind they got from being pretty helpless little things (Ew, gross, a bug!) when I was a tomboy (Check out my millenium falcon! Check out my hotwheels!) and I wanted that power but I wasn’t pretty and I didn’t like the namby-pamby shit girls pulled about being delicate and clean and fancy all the time. “

 

you’re not allowed to find me desirable.

(I think this is from the SM Feminists blog…)

“women such as ourselves are consistently discouraged from the true expression of our sexuality by populist messages saying we are undesirable, unworthy, unattractive, unacceptable, and just plain wrong, just as males are discouraged from desiring such as us, by being presented with what TPTB want them to want.”

I loved that point at the end - that men are discouraged from being attracted to women that don’t fit into the stereotypical ideal. It’s not just that we women are told we’re undesirable, the men are told we’re unworthy too. And that’s something that I think a lot of people miss when they’re talking about these things. It’s not just that we’re made to feel horribly, ashamedly, irrationally ugly. It’s that there’s just as active a campaign telling men they’re not allowed to entertain the possiblity that we’re sexy.