A response to Under The Boot, about kink and arousal.

Since undertheboot is linking this post I wrote last August and now a bunch of people are reading it, I feel like I need to clarify some things about what I said there. 

I wrote the post in a certain frame of mind and under certain circumstances that have changed since then.

Some kinky things do turn me on.  Pushing a boy up against the wall and being rough with him.  Holding the knife to his throat, knowing and letting him know that I lust to cut him.  Imagining licking trails of blood left by my fingernails.  Seeing his dick swell when I hit him, knowing that he hates it even as it arouses him.  Closing my hand around his throat and feeling the thrill of having his life, or death, in my grasp.  Hearing his ragged breath and knowing how much it arouses him, and me, when my ass ripples as he spanks me.  Watching him bend so gracefully, with an attitude of such perfect devotion, over my feet as he kisses them.  Having the freedom to demand the things I want when we’re fucking.  Making him insane with desire and denying him release, seeing how much I can turn him on, how hot he gets for me.  Hearing him beg.  Seeing him cry when I hurt him.

Yeah, kinky shit can definitely get my bits lubricated.  It’s just unfortunate that the first six years of my experience with it didn’t include those aspects.  That’s the whole reason I dropped out of the scene for a while, and it’s one of the reasons I have ended up being so thrilled with Derek, and one of the things I’m excited about exploring with Xel.

 

These other entries I’ve written also touch on the subject in relevant ways: touch-a touch-a touch me ; business or pleasure? ; to drink life ; clip - where’s the passion?

 

I am undeniably a sadist.

What a thrill it is to really hurt someone, and how delicious when he’s so happy to take the pain for my pleasure.

It’s a little glimpse of freedom, in a way. Freedom from the constraints of civilization, perhaps.

There is a beast in me. The deepest heart of my being is an animal with claws.

 

Pink might be my new favorite color..

Since MJ started her part-time job, Sunday has become play day. It is nice to have the house to myself one day of the week. And to be able to have boys come over and get naked for me.

Today was definitely the best interlude I’ve had with Derek. Even he said it seems like I’m getting more confident. It was also the first time he’s really needed after care. “Please hold me, I feel so vulnerable.” He curled up in my arms like a little child.

In several online conversations this week Derek had expressed interest in being hogtied and having his feet beaten, so that was what I started out with today. My knot-tying abilities aren’t top-notch by any means, but I thought the hogtie turned out pretty well. Just the right tightness too.

Hogties make me happy. There’s something so pleasing about the way it looks, and it’s such a quick and easy way to make someone almost completely immobile and helpless. And I love it when they’re really helpless.

I used the rubber stick on his feet, then decided that using it on other places would be a good idea. It left some beautiful marks. And today’s scene was all about leaving marks. My goal was for him to be able to look in the mirror at least two days from now and still have traces of me on his body.

This picture to the right is fast becoming my favorite. Something about the obvious helplessness of the bondage, the beautiful deep marks on that creamy expanse of skin… And I’m not generally a girly-pink kind of person, but I really like the look of the pink rope - it echoes the color of the welts rather nicely. There’s something lovely about that.

The rubber stick is always fun and it left some great welts, but they didn’t last very long… Not to mention it’s a little hard to get good hits in on someone who’s hogtied. So after a while, I moved him to a chair. Much better access….

I’m interested to see what his thighs will look like tomorrow. I beat them with several different implements with little visible effect aside from the usual pinkness, but when I started slapping him with my fingers, the blood came to the surface all in a rush. I have a feeling that’s going to turn all sorts of colors tomorrow.

Near the end, we did a little scene with the sjambok. He had to count, say thank you, and ask me for the next hit. Cliche can be be very fun sometimes.

I hit him hard with the sjambok. Very intense, for both of us. It is so amazing to really hit someone hard. Exhilarating. And to know that he’s taking that much pain for me..

This picture sadly does not do justice to the marks left by the sjambok. Some of those welts were beautifully raised, with blood blooming under the surface of one or two. The one where the tip caught his arm was particularly nasty. I’d like to leave marks like that one all over him… just a hair away from breaking the skin.

I intended to end the play session with the sjambok, but somehow standing behind him comforting him turned into my hands around his neck, which somehow led to my big scary knife pressed against his throat…

“It just was so hot with you behind me touching me knife running along my body choking me…”

Words that warm my heart. ^_^

 

There’s no sex in my violence

It’s probably not the best idea to play with people I’m not attracted to.

I think that was part of the bad reaction I had on Sunday/Monday. It’s not just attraction though, it’s connection too, though for me they tend to go somewhat hand in hand. There is just no attraction (on my part, at least), no feeling of connection with Derek. That very much contributed to the distance and coldness and feeling of having whored myself.

I have never had a romantic relationship that incorporated any elements of kink, aside from an experiment or two with thoroughly vanilla partners. I did get into the relationship with MJ thinking she was submissive, but it was something of a bait and switch, in more ways than one, ha. These days, it seems like we’re both continually fighting to be the top.

But I digress…

My personal history is probably very strange. I did bdsm first, then sex, then dating. All of it separately, and none of it until I was 22 or 23. Curiously, all of my kink experience has been mostly non-sexual, for me. Almost all of it has been unarousing. (But wait.. this stuff is supposed to turn me on, right?)

I think… I’ve just always settled for doing it with the wrong people, people I’m not attracted to, and often barely interested in, aside from some symbiotic interests. Because if I didn’t do that, I wouldn’t be doing anything at all. Only once in a blue moon do I meet a person I’m attracted to who is also attracted to me. Especially someone kinky.

I want to do the wonderful things other people are experiencing. We all want to have our needs met, right? I just wish I knew how to go about doing that.

Fuck, this entry wasn’t supposed to be me whining again about never getting laid. It was supposed to be about the conjunction of bdsm and sex. It’s very intersting to me to read Bitchy’s blog, where for her kink and sex are all mushed together. It’s never been like that for me outside of fantasy. Though I find the ideas of kinky stuff arousing, I very rarely get turned on during the acts. I’ve been pondering it lately, and thinking that that was because I always do kink with people I’m not attracted to. But that interlude with Xel when I made him cry… it was amazing and wonderful in such a hard-to-describe way, but it had nothing to do with sex at all.

So it seems that my sadism isn’t really linked to my sexuality. It is more a feeling of vicious glee that I get from hurting boys. It’s only the explicitly sexual acts that feel sexual to me. Which I guess really isn’t all that weird.

I’m aching for a chance to explore all of this in a physical way, try things out and see how it all feels. I guess I just haven’t had enough sex or kink to have truly figured out what works for me and how it all intertwines.

 

comments on Bitchy Jones’ diary

ToniJuly 26th, 2007 at 8:42 pm
You know, Jones, I feel you talk a lot about what makes you angry, (men in panties, strap-on submissives, pretty women who earn a few bucks portraying themselves as dominatrixes and now childish language - as if the whole my sex is so important to me thing wasn’t childish enough), but I want to know what is it that makes you enjoy hurting people? Is it anger, and if so what are you angry about? OK, your a fat, red-haired bird, (you weren’t once married to a Prince of the Realm were you)? So many people have disadvantages and they don’t get turned on by hurting people, so tell us - not what makes you angry, but why you get satisfaction from seeing pain in others? I have my own opinions, but I wonder what you think .

QueSeraJuly 26th, 2007 at 9:14 pm
Speaking for myself — as a woman who has found it highly erotic to make guys uncomfortable since childhood, and who developed a sadistic streak in my late teens that made inflicting pain highly arousing — speaking for myself I say, anger has nothing to do with my sexual arousal.

When I’m angry, or feeling any other kind of negative emotion, the last thing I feel like doing is something sexy. I might rant, stomp around, even break something (small and non-valuable, of course). But start tying up my partner and smacking him with my favorite yardstick? Heavens, no.

That’s for doing when I feel good. Great, even. It’s an expression of just how good I feel. Really.
Try this: You just got nearly run off the road by some ding-dong who was too busy yakking into their cell phone to notice the light was red, and when you hollered at them on the way by, heart in your throat from the near crash, they just smiled and waved, as if to say, “Ha-ha, oops! Silly me!” At that moment your blood begins to boil. Do you instantly want to start masturbating? Does your anger make you want to go make love with your partner?

I didn’t think so. When I’m angry I don’t feel like getting jiggy, either.

Another clarification, probably unneccesary for anyone who actually does this kink thing: I don’t get turned on by seeing pain in just anyone, but only in my partner whom I love and cherish, and only the kind that is erotic for us both. I hurt when he gets bad news about a friend, or accidentally cuts himself. I am as disgusted as anyone else by seeing pain inflicted on innocents. I work with abused and disabled children, for god’s sake!

I have a very well developed sense of rightness and justice. I see no conflict with that and my drooling over a nice new paddle or flogger. (Mmmm, with little points on the end… but I digress.)

If I really knew why I kinked so hard for a bound, whimpering man with fresh stripes across his ass, I think I would have some kind of superpower key to the universe or something. I highly doubt there is a pin-down-able reason at all. I’m otherwise very ordinary, with a very typical middle class upbringing, family, job, and lifestyle. Some things are maybe just unknowable. Do you understand everything about what makes YOU tick?
~~QueSera