Resolutions

I haven’t used the “bdsm” tag on a post in a long time.  That makes me sad, because it means I haven’t done anything kinky in far too long.  Haven’t even been noodling kinky things lately, aside from thinking about things I want to do, but am afraid won’t get the opportunity to do with Xel.  It’s even been a month since I’ve seen Derek.  We haven’t even been talking much on IM.  Sad, that.

Aside from the lack of kink though, life has been very.. full.  Well, not full exactly, but tiring.  It seems like almost every aspect of my life has been very uncertain lately, though now a lot of it seems to be resolving, to a degree.  I am not taking the new job I’ve been talking about.  I finally talked to the woman in charge, and she was very negative (which was a huge change from her enthusiasm after my first interview with her). To make a long story short, the guy I had the third interview with didn’t like me.  Apparently he found my hair color (even though I made sure to explain it and reassure him I was planning on changing it back) and my ample cleavage unprofessional.  Funny that, as he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, while I was wearing black pants and a dressy top.  I guess I took it too literally when they told me that they had already decided to hire me and that the third interview was just a formality to answer my questions and find out where I wanted to go in the company.    I also have suspicions that there is some sizism at work.  But whatever - fuck them, I didn’t really want to work there anyway.  Yeah.

So I’m going to stay at my current job and start really looking for something else, something with a set schedule, that I’ll actually enjoy, where I work for people who don’t dislike me.  I’ve also been dithering about quitting my part-time job, and I’ve almost made up my mind to do it.  Even though the money’s very handy, I think it’s an unhealthy place for me.

Then there’s the situation with MJ.  She’s been very sweet lately.  But I’ve finally, really, made up my mind about what to do about the relationship with her.  It looks like we’re going to be moving within the year (still in the same area though), for reasons not worth going into here.  So when that happens, I’m going to talk to her about having separate bedrooms, and slowly back things off from there.  It sounds a little like a cop-out, I know, but it feels right.

And Xel.   I don’t really know what the deal is with him.  In retrospect, I don’t think the email I sent was so embarassing after all.  But he still hasn’t responded to it.  I will probably call him tonight.  There are a lot of things I want to talk to him about - the nudist club, the dvd’s he burned for me, the fact that there’s only another week before the price of the September event increases, the fact that July 4th makes a long weekend.  The job offer I’m not taking.  What makes someone good in bed.  Whether he thinks Rose is hot or if he agrees with me that the excess of eye makeup is offputting.  And if “I’m not busy this weekend, do you want to come up and visit?” is ever something that might come out of his mouth.

 

I get so stupid when I’m tired…

Ugh.  I wrote an email to Xel when I was extremely tired and even though I know better, I sent it before bed last night.  Ugh.  It makes me sound like a hyperactive puppy dog, slavering over a chance to see him again.  Ugh.  I’m so tempted to send another one explaining myself, but of course that would just make it worse. 

 

scattered thoughts about the weekend

I keep trying to write about the weekend, but the right words just aren’t coming.

I want to write about the sex, of course.  About the satisfaction and delight of sucking his dick, about Monday morning doggy style sex that ended with him shouting and giggling like a giddy three year old.  About debauched kissing in public, on street corners and in museums and the way he fucked my mouth with his tongue and how I gave him a knee-weakening hickey on the train platform that made him glow like a lightbulb.

And I want to write about touching, about physical affection, about how much occassional tender caresses and constant hand-holding steal my heart and make me want to weep with frustration that he lives so far away.

But I also want to write about the distance that I feel this year, a distance that wasn’t there in New York.  And how I can’t tell which one of us, or if it’s both, that are holding back.  And how the sex was fantastic but he didn’t spend time on me like before, how the sex was over for him when he came and how much of a contrast that is from the way it was last year.  How he fell asleep one night while his fingers were between my legs, and he seemed far more eager to explore the city than he did to explore each other’s bodies.  How that makes me feel taken for granted.  And how I want to say something to him about it, but are there words that will say it the right way?

 

 

We talked on the phone for five hours last night.  It felt much briefer than that.  I stood on my own doorstep for several minutes at the end of the conversation, because he never seems to want to say goodbye.

I like him a lot, in spite of the lack of sexual attention (which I expect will be resolved the next time we’re together, as I will definitely either mention it to him or just be more assertive in the future) - I like that he’s so openly and comfortably queer, I like that he’s confident but almost painfully geeky.   I like that he’s got a little protected core of vulnerability, I like that his spiritual views are close to mine. I like that he’s sex-positive and a nudist.  I like that he’s switchy but terribly interested in bottoming, and how he’s got big hangups about some of the very things he’s drawn to and how it just cries out to me to be the one to take him where he’s afraid to go.  I like that he’s as intelligent as I am and probably more so.  I like his baby-soft, tanned skin and strong thighs, slender wrists and big hands, his perfect uncut cock and the rugged-looking stubble on his cheeks that contrasts so delighfully with his oh-so-gay mannerisms.  I like that he’s outdoorsy and competent and adventurous.  I even like the lines on his face and his guarded eyes. 

I don’t like that it’s probably painfully obvious to the entire world exactly how much I like him.  He took a couple of arm-length photos before he got on the train to go home, and even though I felt like I was barely smiling for them, I look goofy as hell.

 

in flux

The evening of my last post, I went to my dad’s house to borrow a pot and ended up crying on his shoulder.  And made the decision to end the relationship as it stands with MJ.  Finally said out loud that she is never going to be the caring, giving partner that I need. 

I haven’t mentioned any of it to her yet.  There are things to figure out first, namely where the hell I’m going to live and how I’m going to pay for it.  The idea of breaking up with her and having to still live and sleep together for however long it takes to find a new place and/or roommate…  no way. 

It has become very clear to me why it’s advisable to wait until you realllly know a partner to move in with them.  It’s so hard to end things, or even just take a break, when our lives are so entangled.

This development is a good thing though.  Now the key is not to drag it out so long that I lose my resolve.

 

In other news, I almost definitely have a new job.  I’m just waiting to hear back about pay (I asked for more than they initially offered - hooray for being assertive!), and details on when I’ll be starting. 

Oh, and I did talk to Xel, and he is coming down next weekend.  Go figure.

 

I fucking hate crying.

Ugh, I’ve cried twice today.  I can’t even go into all the reasons right now.

And It’s really disappointing that Xel hasn’t called me back.  Fucking… fuck.

Just.. fuck.