I need to have more sex so I’ll have more to post about. And you know, so I’ll have more orgasms and naked happy time. But mostly so I can keep up blogging.

The idea of posting an ad on craigslist keeps popping into my mind. But every other time I’ve done that I procrastinated emailing the few promising prospects and nothing ever came of it.

I guess I could actually talk to the decent person or two who’s answered my ad on collarme. Maybe I shouldn’t be invisible all the time on Yahoo.

Ok, really I just need to talk to people instead of bookmarking them and forgetting, or procrastinating for ages.

Though the more I think about it, the less it seems like I actually have time for another relationship. There’s MJ, and Derek who I don’t see often enough, and the fifty million projects I need to finish, and the whole finding a new job thing.

I could make time for some sex though. But there’s all that pesky getting-to-know-you crap that has to go beforehand. Most inconvenient.

Ah well, perhaps I should try seducing MJ sometimes.

 

Fuck. Me.

I manage to feel shitty about the same things over and over. I would actually welcome a new problem, if it would let me stop worrying the same unsolvable shit again.

I have a need for touch that is never addressed. (Sometimes I wish I weren’t so fucking picky about who I’m attracted to. Or thinner. Same thing, really, when you think about it. When I think about it anyway. But back to the touch thing.) I’d call it a craving, but the only word that really works is need. Maybe it seems silly, but I feel like a loving touch on a regular basis would keep me sane. Without it I feel like I’m going to fly apart at the seams and implode at the same time. I would give up something precious for a certain sort of person to look at me with lust in their eyes and love in their hands.

The past few weeks, I felt like I’d finally gotten over my discontent. Finally ok with the current relationships in my life. I think that’s what the unstoppable headaches I’ve been getting are really all about. Tamping down my own needs, stuffing emotional pain back inside myself, stressing out without letting myself address it. The real problem is that I don’t know how to address it.

Fuck, maybe I’m just hormonal - the urge to cry has been very close behind my eyes the past day or two. As a matter of fact, I cried after I masturbated today. Curled up, sobbing on the floor. I hate that shit. Can’t even have a good wank, ’cause it just makes me feel lonely and fundamentally, heartbreakingly unfulfilled. Again. Blah.

I’m feeling desperate and that’s bad. It also makes me unhappy with MJ. It doesn’t help that she spent hours “fooling around” on the couch with someone else last night. She and I have actually had some sex lately, but she never seems to touch me more than she thinks she has to.

Fuck, it hurts that’s she so reluctant to touch me, but she’ll do fucking strangers for hours. (…while I’m aching with the need for it…) Fuck, it hurts.

It brings me back frighteningly close to those many years when I hated myself and my body. I am very aware of the fact that a very large number of people would find me repulsive. Generally, I don’t really care, or I try not to. But when I was a teenager, I used to cry all the time because, more than anything in the world I wanted to be loved with touch, and I didn’t think anyone would ever really want to touch me. I know that’s not true now, but maybe one doesn’t really ever get over feeling ugly as a teenager.

I guess I got myself into this damn situation though. I’ve always known MJ wasn’t sensual. I guess I just didn’t realize how much that would matter.

But what to do? Crying about it doesn’t do a goddamn thing except give me a headache. If only Xel hadn’t turned out to be a jerk. That would have been such a good arrangement. Such a perfect fit into my life. I’d have been able to have my cake and eat it too. But he’s history… so what to do, what to do? Get more aggressive with the personal ads, I suppose. Stop fucking whining about it here and feeling sorry for myself. ‘Cause I hate that shit, too.

 

brief update

I only have about an hour to write, and so many things to say.. I guess I’ll just do an update sort of thing.

Derek: Things are good. I need to get a book and learn more rope bondage. And a locking box to put his clothes in when he comes over. And I’m so close to throwing caution to the winds and buying a flogger I can’t afford. (If only I didn’t need a full set of new tires on my car, if only I hadn’t got in that car accident last week, if only I didn’t blow so much fucking money on food…)

Saturday’s date: went well. He’s nice, and queer, and kinky. We went to the Charm City Kitty Club show, which was fun and very queer. I felt very straight looking. (And very large - those chairs were much too close together.) We ate at a diner afterward, then chatted in the parking lot for about an hour. Haven’t heard anything from him since though, we’ll see how it goes.

MJ: she’s been very emotional lately, which is rather out-of-character for her. Not generally the weepy sort, my girlfriend. But she’s just had her first taste of what dating is like as a transperson.

Long story short, she met a boy. He was interested, she was interested, he persued, like good straight boys do. They went on a date. Things started getting “hot,” she wanted to avoid any “surprises,” she told him that she’s trans. His comment a couple of days later: “Hey buddy, you’re a great person and all but.. I’M NOT GAY. Buh-bye.” She cried, had more than a couple of moments of hating her body, and feels like a freak. Fun stuff.

It’s hard not being able to do anything but hold her. There are few comforting words for this situation that aren’t lies. And as much as I want to be her shining knight, I can’t slay all her dragons for her.

She’s decided to only date queer people for now. Safer that way.

Things between the two of us have been very good lately, which is almost unnerving. Kind of a too good to be true sort of feeling, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I’ve gotten over the bitterness about our sex life, and she’s gotten a bit used to my messiness, so we’re not getting pissed at each other like we used to. And because we’re getting along so well, we’re both trying harder to please each other, which keeps us getting along. An upward spiral, if you will.

Our relationship is weird as hell, but it works for us.

And that’s all for now.. going away this weekend, so won’t be blogging til Sunday at least, unless I get some computer time in tomorrow morning. Wish I had more time to write a good, thoughtful post, but such is life.

 

touch *me*

MJ had a drunken threesome while I was away this weekend.

I’m sure someone will think I’m being ridiculous for saying this, since we have an open relationship and all, but it really kinda hurts.

She and I have had sex one time in the last three months. During which she barely touched me, and only above the waist.

This weekend she touched people she barely knows. With her hands, and her mouth. For hours. And she gave them orgasms.

I think the last of the maybe two times she’s gone down on me was over a year ago.

The last couple of times she and I have had sex, it lasted about 30 minutes, if that. And I always have to finish myself off.

I feel so fucking bitter. And I know that writing this was ridiculous for so many reasons. But anyway…

The real issue I’m having here is that I’m romanticizing her weekend encounter. It’s probably so much more in my head. It’s not like she magically becomes a better lover when she leaves my presence.

I do wish she had a more burning desire to touch me, but I’ve felt that way all along.

 

Poly workshop

{Went to a polyamory presentation/workshop on Tuesday. They passed out a handout, and I’m posting a copy of it here, as I think makes a lot of important points.}

Polyamory is part desire and part skillset. While the desire to be polyamorous has to come from within us, the skillset can (and should!) be built and refined throughout our lives in order to have more healthy, fulfilling and intimate relationships. Below are some questions to help you evaluate your own poly skillset:

Flexibility:
- Do you understand what you expect of your relationships, and how realistic those expectations are?
- Are you able to make adjustments as life happens and priorities shift, on a short- or long-term basis?

Treating each relationship individually:
- Are you able to communicate your time and energy needs to each of your partners individually?
- Can you be flexible in your communication style, and able to handle different communication styles in your partners?
- Are you able to respect your partners’ boundaries regarding information?
- Are you able to work on an issue in one relationship, even if that need is being met in another relationship?

Negotiation:
- Have you thought about which things about yourself and your other relationships you feel comfortable sharing with someone else, and which things you wish to keep to yourself?
- Can you communicate with your partners in a healthy way so that your needs and wants are met… or at least discussed?

Taking care of yourself:
- Do you make time out for yourself?
- Do you make time to evaluate your own needs and wants?
- Can you take responsibility for getting your needs and wants met, rather than relying on other people doing it for you?

Emotional responses:
- Can you commit to spending time and energy on all of your relationships - not just the newest one?
- Are you able to speak up when your needs are not getting met?
- Are you able to ask for reassurance or a reality check if you feel jealous about a partner’s other relationship(s)?
- Can you make your own fun, and have your own social life apart from your partners?