Resolutions

I haven’t used the “bdsm” tag on a post in a long time.  That makes me sad, because it means I haven’t done anything kinky in far too long.  Haven’t even been noodling kinky things lately, aside from thinking about things I want to do, but am afraid won’t get the opportunity to do with Xel.  It’s even been a month since I’ve seen Derek.  We haven’t even been talking much on IM.  Sad, that.

Aside from the lack of kink though, life has been very.. full.  Well, not full exactly, but tiring.  It seems like almost every aspect of my life has been very uncertain lately, though now a lot of it seems to be resolving, to a degree.  I am not taking the new job I’ve been talking about.  I finally talked to the woman in charge, and she was very negative (which was a huge change from her enthusiasm after my first interview with her). To make a long story short, the guy I had the third interview with didn’t like me.  Apparently he found my hair color (even though I made sure to explain it and reassure him I was planning on changing it back) and my ample cleavage unprofessional.  Funny that, as he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, while I was wearing black pants and a dressy top.  I guess I took it too literally when they told me that they had already decided to hire me and that the third interview was just a formality to answer my questions and find out where I wanted to go in the company.    I also have suspicions that there is some sizism at work.  But whatever - fuck them, I didn’t really want to work there anyway.  Yeah.

So I’m going to stay at my current job and start really looking for something else, something with a set schedule, that I’ll actually enjoy, where I work for people who don’t dislike me.  I’ve also been dithering about quitting my part-time job, and I’ve almost made up my mind to do it.  Even though the money’s very handy, I think it’s an unhealthy place for me.

Then there’s the situation with MJ.  She’s been very sweet lately.  But I’ve finally, really, made up my mind about what to do about the relationship with her.  It looks like we’re going to be moving within the year (still in the same area though), for reasons not worth going into here.  So when that happens, I’m going to talk to her about having separate bedrooms, and slowly back things off from there.  It sounds a little like a cop-out, I know, but it feels right.

And Xel.   I don’t really know what the deal is with him.  In retrospect, I don’t think the email I sent was so embarassing after all.  But he still hasn’t responded to it.  I will probably call him tonight.  There are a lot of things I want to talk to him about - the nudist club, the dvd’s he burned for me, the fact that there’s only another week before the price of the September event increases, the fact that July 4th makes a long weekend.  The job offer I’m not taking.  What makes someone good in bed.  Whether he thinks Rose is hot or if he agrees with me that the excess of eye makeup is offputting.  And if “I’m not busy this weekend, do you want to come up and visit?” is ever something that might come out of his mouth.

 

touch me, and love it

I think I set myself up to be sexually unsatisfied.  Maybe I get off too much (but not *quite* enough) on getting my partner off.  There are so many times that I’ve practically actually ordered my partner to come even though I hadn’t yet.  And I know, but refuse to really admit to myself, that boys lose interest in sex after they come.  In my world, they should still want to keep playing and be just as invested in pleasing me as I am in pleasing them.  But the world just doesn’t work that way, does it?  Heh.

And I don’t want to have to ask for it.  There’s nothing that leaves me colder than someone touching me when they don’t want to.  If a partner plays with me just because they feel like they have to, it is the unsexiest thing in the world - I can feel your disinterest all over my skin.  I want you to delight in touching me, revel in the way I moan and writhe and get so deliciously overwhelmed by the things you do to me.  I want you to enjoy the texture of my skin, the sensual softness of my body, the fullness of my breasts, the moist heat between my legs, the expressions you evoke on my face and in my eyes. 

And find pleasure in giving it back to someone who brings you pleasure.   That’s what we’re together for, isn’t it?  Mutual pleasure and sharing?  …Maybe you missed that memo.

 

 

 It’s one of those relationship catch-22s though - I’m not going to get what I want unless I ask for it, but if I ask for it and you do it, I’ll never know if you’re doing it only because I asked. 

I’m concerned about this happening with Xel.  I’m probably worrying too much, as he was very tactile the entire time we were together, always stroking my skin or holding my hand, or kissing me lusciously.  But in bed he was soo much more attentive last year, and I can’t tell if it’s going to be a problem, or this was just an off weekend for that.  I don’t want to get into another situation like I’m in with MJ, that just makes me feel so shitty.  Touch me, and love doing it - is that asking too much?

This is one of the unhealthy things about my relationship with MJ.  She doesn’t want to touch me.  She doesn’t really care about my pleasure at all, and/or seems to be under the misconception that PiV sex alone should get me off.  However, that would be a deliberate misconception, as I discinctly recall our having a long conversation about just that thing, about a year ago.  Funny how her lips agreed, but her behavior never changed.  Even before she comes, she only really touches me to arouse me sufficiently that I agree to have sex.

 

If I suck your dick once and mention that I don’t feel the need for an orgasm that day, that doesn’t mean that I don’t ever want you to give me an orgasm.  Quite the opposite, actually.   Why is it that if just one time, I say I’m happy to pleasure them without them doing anything in return, they think that applies to every consequent encounter we have?  Duh, assholes.  Yes, sometimes I find it satisfying to have a session where I do most of the touching.  But there are also times when I want to be the one getting the attention.  It’s about balance, see?  Why doesn’t anyone get that?    

 

 

slightly overwhelmed and decidedly undecided.

Had an incredibly shitty end-of-day at work.  Stayed an hour late to start fixing something that got fucked up.  Frustration.  And it irks me that I taught myself how to do something for those assholes, and did it well, but there wasn’t a single positive word spoken about it.  And I’ll probably have to go into work on Friday, when I’m supposed to have the day off.  And they’re still not paying me the amount that was promised at my review.  Fuckers.

Maybe I will take that job offer, even if they don’t want to pay me enough.  And have me drive long distances…  meh.

I feel stuck in the decisions I have to make.  Obviously there’s the job offer, but I’m also unsure what to do about MJ now.  Almost as soon as I made the decision to break up with her, she started being so damn sweet.  And it’s going to be a really unpleasant thing to go through, which is part of why I’m hesitating.  There is a potential roommate to take her place though, but I think he needs a place really soon.  I dont’ know how long it would take MJ to find a new place to live.  I dont’ think she’s going to leave gracefully and/or quickly.  She’s definitely going to cry.  Last night she was being all sweet, snuggling up to me in the most adorable way and telling me how much she loves me. 

*sigh*

This isn’t the right frame of mind to think about these things and make decisions.  Shower, focus on to-do list, relax.  Make life-changing decisions when I’m over the desire to curl up with a teddy bear and cry.

 

in flux

The evening of my last post, I went to my dad’s house to borrow a pot and ended up crying on his shoulder.  And made the decision to end the relationship as it stands with MJ.  Finally said out loud that she is never going to be the caring, giving partner that I need. 

I haven’t mentioned any of it to her yet.  There are things to figure out first, namely where the hell I’m going to live and how I’m going to pay for it.  The idea of breaking up with her and having to still live and sleep together for however long it takes to find a new place and/or roommate…  no way. 

It has become very clear to me why it’s advisable to wait until you realllly know a partner to move in with them.  It’s so hard to end things, or even just take a break, when our lives are so entangled.

This development is a good thing though.  Now the key is not to drag it out so long that I lose my resolve.

 

In other news, I almost definitely have a new job.  I’m just waiting to hear back about pay (I asked for more than they initially offered - hooray for being assertive!), and details on when I’ll be starting. 

Oh, and I did talk to Xel, and he is coming down next weekend.  Go figure.

 

tired.

I know I bitch about it all the time, but today I’m just so tired of the constant up and down drama with MJ.  We actually had a fight last night about cookies of all things.  She can be such a passive-aggresive snarky bitch sometimes.  And I’m tired of it.  I’m tired of her being judgemental - about my weight (even though she’s with me specifically because I’m fat) and my messiness (I have too much stuff and no storage space in this house) and my finances (I have some debt, but less than most people my age), while she feels all holier-than-thou and spends every waking hour playing video games.

Sometimes I feel that we’re irrevokably tied together.  Today the idea is incredibly depressing.

Maybe I’m still PMSIng or reacting badly to stress and not getting enough sleep, and I’m definitely feeling a little queasy about Xel, but I just feel kind of ill in spirit as well as body, and would really like to be in a relationship that gives me more joy than stomach upset.  Is it that hard for people to give a little bit back?  I would bend over backwards and do a million things just to make them happy, if one of my partners would just make some effort to show that they give a shit, and do something just to make me happy too.