A full week.

Good stuff this week.  Here’s the semi-quick and dirty, since I really need to get off the computer and start my evening:

I quit my part-time job on Saturday.  It was very anticlimactic.  No tearful goodbyes after 6 years of employment, really no goodbyes of any kind.  The only person who knew it was my last day was the manager who makes the schedule.  it’s a little sad, and I’m feeling a little nervous about the fact that I won’t have that extra income anymore - it wasn’t a lot, but it put money in my wallet for things like lunches and snacks and reading material and gasoline.

Derek came over Tuesday night, for a nice low-pressure bondage-and-a-movie evening.  I’ve never done anything like that with anyone before.  It’s the kind of thing I’ve often thought about, but didn’t really think a play partner would want to do.  The best part is that I wasn’t the least bit stressed about it beforehand - usually I get anxious before playing, worrying about doing a good job, holding myself up to some vague standard of fabulous domhood or something.  Knowing that it’s on me to make sure we both have a good time, afraid that I’ll fail.

Yesterday was clay day.  The woman who used to be my boss, who I suppose I could now call a friend.. we’ll call her Rose here… anyhoo, she has a kiln and does ceramics, and she invited me over last week and yesterday to play with clay.  It’s going to be a weekly thing, which is so exciting.  I’ve done a fair bit of crafting, but very little actual art in the seven years since I graduated from college with my useless Fine Arts degree.  It felt so good to create like that, to use my hands to shape something from nothing.  I originally intended to make penis fountains, which I’ve been talking about doing for years, but ended up making goddesses instead.  I’m very excited about my three little ladies, even though they’re not quite done (and I need to fix a few things), so I have to show them off:

   

  

 

Tonight I’m going to try and hit up the Peep Show, since Artomatic is closing this weekend.  It’s already 6pm though and I haven’ t eaten or showered, so we’ll see how that goes.  Maybe I could go on Saturday instead…

Tomorrow night I’ll be at the local(ish) dungeon, for a burlesque show and play party.  It’ll be the first time I’ve been to that place in two years I think.  Then Saturday night is a women’s play party…  I’m trying not to be nervous.  Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me that I’ll be social and actually talk to people, and not stand in a corner looking painfully submissive by myself all night.

So..  Busy, busy!  And all good!  Xel even called me of his own volition last night, just to chat.  Now all I need is to get a decent night’s rest - self-discipline, where art thou?

 

Resolutions

I haven’t used the “bdsm” tag on a post in a long time.  That makes me sad, because it means I haven’t done anything kinky in far too long.  Haven’t even been noodling kinky things lately, aside from thinking about things I want to do, but am afraid won’t get the opportunity to do with Xel.  It’s even been a month since I’ve seen Derek.  We haven’t even been talking much on IM.  Sad, that.

Aside from the lack of kink though, life has been very.. full.  Well, not full exactly, but tiring.  It seems like almost every aspect of my life has been very uncertain lately, though now a lot of it seems to be resolving, to a degree.  I am not taking the new job I’ve been talking about.  I finally talked to the woman in charge, and she was very negative (which was a huge change from her enthusiasm after my first interview with her). To make a long story short, the guy I had the third interview with didn’t like me.  Apparently he found my hair color (even though I made sure to explain it and reassure him I was planning on changing it back) and my ample cleavage unprofessional.  Funny that, as he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, while I was wearing black pants and a dressy top.  I guess I took it too literally when they told me that they had already decided to hire me and that the third interview was just a formality to answer my questions and find out where I wanted to go in the company.    I also have suspicions that there is some sizism at work.  But whatever - fuck them, I didn’t really want to work there anyway.  Yeah.

So I’m going to stay at my current job and start really looking for something else, something with a set schedule, that I’ll actually enjoy, where I work for people who don’t dislike me.  I’ve also been dithering about quitting my part-time job, and I’ve almost made up my mind to do it.  Even though the money’s very handy, I think it’s an unhealthy place for me.

Then there’s the situation with MJ.  She’s been very sweet lately.  But I’ve finally, really, made up my mind about what to do about the relationship with her.  It looks like we’re going to be moving within the year (still in the same area though), for reasons not worth going into here.  So when that happens, I’m going to talk to her about having separate bedrooms, and slowly back things off from there.  It sounds a little like a cop-out, I know, but it feels right.

And Xel.   I don’t really know what the deal is with him.  In retrospect, I don’t think the email I sent was so embarassing after all.  But he still hasn’t responded to it.  I will probably call him tonight.  There are a lot of things I want to talk to him about - the nudist club, the dvd’s he burned for me, the fact that there’s only another week before the price of the September event increases, the fact that July 4th makes a long weekend.  The job offer I’m not taking.  What makes someone good in bed.  Whether he thinks Rose is hot or if he agrees with me that the excess of eye makeup is offputting.  And if “I’m not busy this weekend, do you want to come up and visit?” is ever something that might come out of his mouth.

 

Hedonistic mini-vacation, day 1 - chores.

Xel will be waiting for me at the train station tomorrow morning.

I’ve been looking forward to it very much, and have been fantasizing all week, but right now it doesn’t seem.. real.  Like maybe it’s only a fantasy.  I’m a little afraid that it won’t be as good as last year - though even if it isn’t, it’s still going to be a great weekend.  And I’m really glad that I’ll be away from home, if only because MJ’s hormone prescription ran out and she can’t get more until Tuesday.  Definitely glad I won’t have to be around for most of the inevitable mood swings.

Meh, there’s too much to do to be writing here right now, I can barely concentrate on typing. 

My hedonistic mini-vacation has begun!  Even if I’m doing chores, at least it’s a remarkably beautiful day and I don’t have to be at work!

 

Updated to do list

Thank goodness I took the day off work.

Things to do today, in no particular order:
1. Make doc appt.[closed until Tues.]
2. Call about job.[left message]
3. Gather/pack toys.
4. Clean dining room & bedroom.
5. Gather/create/mail items for personal swaps.[waiting for email from partners]
6. Make toys.
7. Pack clothes & toiletries.
8. Reply to emails.
9. Finish treasure chest.
10. Clean cat box.
11. Repack and mail shoes.
12. Take out trash
13. Get mail.

 

slightly overwhelmed and decidedly undecided.

Had an incredibly shitty end-of-day at work.  Stayed an hour late to start fixing something that got fucked up.  Frustration.  And it irks me that I taught myself how to do something for those assholes, and did it well, but there wasn’t a single positive word spoken about it.  And I’ll probably have to go into work on Friday, when I’m supposed to have the day off.  And they’re still not paying me the amount that was promised at my review.  Fuckers.

Maybe I will take that job offer, even if they don’t want to pay me enough.  And have me drive long distances…  meh.

I feel stuck in the decisions I have to make.  Obviously there’s the job offer, but I’m also unsure what to do about MJ now.  Almost as soon as I made the decision to break up with her, she started being so damn sweet.  And it’s going to be a really unpleasant thing to go through, which is part of why I’m hesitating.  There is a potential roommate to take her place though, but I think he needs a place really soon.  I dont’ know how long it would take MJ to find a new place to live.  I dont’ think she’s going to leave gracefully and/or quickly.  She’s definitely going to cry.  Last night she was being all sweet, snuggling up to me in the most adorable way and telling me how much she loves me. 

*sigh*

This isn’t the right frame of mind to think about these things and make decisions.  Shower, focus on to-do list, relax.  Make life-changing decisions when I’m over the desire to curl up with a teddy bear and cry.