back home from the weekend.

Cocksucking, ass fucking, and bruises - oh my! 

No orgasms for me though, and that’s really fucking with my head.  I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve cried today.  The sleep deprivation isn’t helping, either. 

I know, I know.  I’m a whiny brat to be so upset about not coming, aren’t I?  I guess it’s just bursting the dam at this point.  Feeling neglected and terribly undesired and.. a word I can’t think of.  I guess it makes me feel shitty and used and worthless and unlovable and all that horrible crap I thought I mostly got over years ago.  I’m that sobbing, heartbroken teenager again, desperately yearning, wanting so badly, needing to be loved and cherished and desired, but feeling so painfully sure that those things aren’t really possible for girls like me.

Feeling.. betrayed? in a way.  It’s that bait and switch feeling again, like with MJ.  There’s never time for me, always something else more important, or more interesting.  And I’m too difficult and unexciting.

The worst part is that I know it’s at least partially my own fault for allowing it to be so.

 

 

 

Fuck, I need a nap.

I’ll write a better post later, one that has more focus on all the good things, and not this shitty shit shit.

 

touch me, and love it

I think I set myself up to be sexually unsatisfied.  Maybe I get off too much (but not *quite* enough) on getting my partner off.  There are so many times that I’ve practically actually ordered my partner to come even though I hadn’t yet.  And I know, but refuse to really admit to myself, that boys lose interest in sex after they come.  In my world, they should still want to keep playing and be just as invested in pleasing me as I am in pleasing them.  But the world just doesn’t work that way, does it?  Heh.

And I don’t want to have to ask for it.  There’s nothing that leaves me colder than someone touching me when they don’t want to.  If a partner plays with me just because they feel like they have to, it is the unsexiest thing in the world - I can feel your disinterest all over my skin.  I want you to delight in touching me, revel in the way I moan and writhe and get so deliciously overwhelmed by the things you do to me.  I want you to enjoy the texture of my skin, the sensual softness of my body, the fullness of my breasts, the moist heat between my legs, the expressions you evoke on my face and in my eyes. 

And find pleasure in giving it back to someone who brings you pleasure.   That’s what we’re together for, isn’t it?  Mutual pleasure and sharing?  …Maybe you missed that memo.

 

 

 It’s one of those relationship catch-22s though - I’m not going to get what I want unless I ask for it, but if I ask for it and you do it, I’ll never know if you’re doing it only because I asked. 

I’m concerned about this happening with Xel.  I’m probably worrying too much, as he was very tactile the entire time we were together, always stroking my skin or holding my hand, or kissing me lusciously.  But in bed he was soo much more attentive last year, and I can’t tell if it’s going to be a problem, or this was just an off weekend for that.  I don’t want to get into another situation like I’m in with MJ, that just makes me feel so shitty.  Touch me, and love doing it - is that asking too much?

This is one of the unhealthy things about my relationship with MJ.  She doesn’t want to touch me.  She doesn’t really care about my pleasure at all, and/or seems to be under the misconception that PiV sex alone should get me off.  However, that would be a deliberate misconception, as I discinctly recall our having a long conversation about just that thing, about a year ago.  Funny how her lips agreed, but her behavior never changed.  Even before she comes, she only really touches me to arouse me sufficiently that I agree to have sex.

 

If I suck your dick once and mention that I don’t feel the need for an orgasm that day, that doesn’t mean that I don’t ever want you to give me an orgasm.  Quite the opposite, actually.   Why is it that if just one time, I say I’m happy to pleasure them without them doing anything in return, they think that applies to every consequent encounter we have?  Duh, assholes.  Yes, sometimes I find it satisfying to have a session where I do most of the touching.  But there are also times when I want to be the one getting the attention.  It’s about balance, see?  Why doesn’t anyone get that?    

 

 

slightly overwhelmed and decidedly undecided.

Had an incredibly shitty end-of-day at work.  Stayed an hour late to start fixing something that got fucked up.  Frustration.  And it irks me that I taught myself how to do something for those assholes, and did it well, but there wasn’t a single positive word spoken about it.  And I’ll probably have to go into work on Friday, when I’m supposed to have the day off.  And they’re still not paying me the amount that was promised at my review.  Fuckers.

Maybe I will take that job offer, even if they don’t want to pay me enough.  And have me drive long distances…  meh.

I feel stuck in the decisions I have to make.  Obviously there’s the job offer, but I’m also unsure what to do about MJ now.  Almost as soon as I made the decision to break up with her, she started being so damn sweet.  And it’s going to be a really unpleasant thing to go through, which is part of why I’m hesitating.  There is a potential roommate to take her place though, but I think he needs a place really soon.  I dont’ know how long it would take MJ to find a new place to live.  I dont’ think she’s going to leave gracefully and/or quickly.  She’s definitely going to cry.  Last night she was being all sweet, snuggling up to me in the most adorable way and telling me how much she loves me. 

*sigh*

This isn’t the right frame of mind to think about these things and make decisions.  Shower, focus on to-do list, relax.  Make life-changing decisions when I’m over the desire to curl up with a teddy bear and cry.

 

tired.

I know I bitch about it all the time, but today I’m just so tired of the constant up and down drama with MJ.  We actually had a fight last night about cookies of all things.  She can be such a passive-aggresive snarky bitch sometimes.  And I’m tired of it.  I’m tired of her being judgemental - about my weight (even though she’s with me specifically because I’m fat) and my messiness (I have too much stuff and no storage space in this house) and my finances (I have some debt, but less than most people my age), while she feels all holier-than-thou and spends every waking hour playing video games.

Sometimes I feel that we’re irrevokably tied together.  Today the idea is incredibly depressing.

Maybe I’m still PMSIng or reacting badly to stress and not getting enough sleep, and I’m definitely feeling a little queasy about Xel, but I just feel kind of ill in spirit as well as body, and would really like to be in a relationship that gives me more joy than stomach upset.  Is it that hard for people to give a little bit back?  I would bend over backwards and do a million things just to make them happy, if one of my partners would just make some effort to show that they give a shit, and do something just to make me happy too.

 

 

Processing.

*sigh* I called Xel last night.  I had told him it was up to him to contact me, but then realized that Memorial Day is quickly approaching, and since it’s a long weekend it would be an optimal time to get together. 

I was kind of uncomfortable with the fact that I called him instead of waiting for him to take the initiative, and told him so.   I mentioned that I don’t want to set myself up to get shit on, and I don’t want to just be some girl he fucked and forgot about as soon as I was gone and now I’m calling him when he could really care less.  He came up silent for a moment, and mentioned that he has a hard time finding words when he’s emotional.  Or something like that.  But he assured me that it was not the case that I’m just some girl he fucked and forgot, that I’m a very interesting person or something, and related a conversation he’d had with the people he drove to Beltane with this year.  They asked him about last year’s gathering, and he told them that the best and most memorable part of the event was the night he spent with me.  They made ribald comments, but he told them it was the non-sexual stuff that made it amazing, that it was beautiful and special, or some variant thereof. 

So, you know, that was nice to hear, even though I felt there was some other stuff he was afraid to say or something.  We ended up talking for two hours, about hiking and his exgirlfriend, bdsm and sexual fantasies.  We’re supposed to get together for Memorial Day weekend, assuming he doesn’t flake out on me.  And I asked him to go to another sacred sexuality event with me in September, which he agreed to, as long as his trip to Burning Man doesn’t interfere (which it shouldn’t since Burning Man is three weeks before) or use up all his vacation time. 

I felt good about the conversation, and him, when I got off the phone last night.  Today I’m… wavering.  He really mind-fucked me last year and now that I confronted him and we’ve restarted the relationship I’m having a really hard time processing it all and dealing with it.  Doubting him, and doubting myself, wondering if it’s stupid of me to take him back, wondering if I should have.. done something more, not just had one conversation about the fact that he’s a jerk before jumping back into bed with him.  Feeling like he doesn’t give a crap, but then remembering his impassioned gratitude as he clung to me so fervently by the fire on Saturday night.  And realizing that the doubts are largely pessimism and fear talking.

Hopefully he will call or email soon, I could use some affirmation.

Speaking of which, at the end of the conversation last night, I told him that before he hung up he had to tell me something nice.  He paused for a minute and said, “Well, I was thinking about this when I saw you at Beltane and it’s something that I can’t believe that I had forgotten, but you have the most gorgeous, amazing eyes.  The most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen.”  Or something to that effect.