July 28, 2007
"Thank you Mistress, may I have another?"
Posted by almostmagic under bdsm, femdom, words[2] Comments
I’d like to write a bit about the word “Mistress.” It’s something I’ve been noodling for a while, ever since a conversation with Derek about what he should call me - and it seems an especially appropriate post right now since people are talking so much about words.
I have very ambivalent feelings about being called “Mistress.” It contains two almost diametrically opposed (in my mind) connotations. Not to mention it’s so trite and featured so prominantly in the lip-curling mainstream idea of femdom that Bitchy’s always railing about, that the word has achieved a bit of ridiculousness to me.
“Usage Note: English has no shortage of terms for women whose behavior is viewed as licentious, but it is difficult to come up with a list of comparable terms used of men. One researcher, Julia Penelope, stopped counting after she reached 220 such labels for women, both current and historical, but managed to locate only 20 names for promiscuous men. Murial R. Schultz found more than 500 slang terms for prostitute but could find just 65 for the male terms whoremonger and pimp. A further imbalance appears in the connotations of many of these terms. While the terms generally applying only to women, like tramp and slut, are almost always strongly negative, corresponding terms used for men, such as stud and Casanova, often carry positive associations. · Curiously, many of the negative terms used for women derive from words that once had neutral or even positive associations. For instance, the word mistress, now mainly used to refer to a woman who is involved in an extramarital sexual relationship, originally served simply as a neutral counterpart to mister or master. The term madam, while still a respectful form of address, has had sexual connotations since the early 1700s and has been used to refer to the owner of a brothel since the early 1900s.”
Ask the average person on the street what they think of first when they hear the word “mistress,” and I almost guarantee most of them will say something along the lines of “kept woman.” That is the dominant (no pun intended) definition of the word in our world. So why the fuck would I want someone to call me that?
Ah, but if we could only escape that sleazy and insulting denotation… it could be such a beautiful title..
mistress
noun
1. the female appellation corresponding to master, a woman who has authority, ownership, etc; a woman who commands, controls or owns
2. a. A woman who owns or keeps an animal: a cat sitting in its mistress’s lap.
b. A woman who owns a slave.
c. A nation or country that has supremacy over others: Great Britain, once the mistress of the seas.
3. Something personified as female that directs or reigns: “my mistress . . . the open road” (Robert Louis Stevenson).
4.. A woman with ultimate control over something: the mistress of her own mind.
5. A woman who has mastered a skill or branch of learning: a mistress of the culinary art.
6. Mistress Used formerly as a courtesy title when speaking to or of a woman.
[Middle English maistresse, from Old French, feminine of maistre, master, from Latin magister; see master.]
When I was talking to Derek about it, he said that he sees it as a dominant term, and that calling someone “Mistress” makes him feel very submissive. I’m sure that loads of people feel that way, but it’s so hard for me to let go of the negative associations and the triteness and the image of the shiny latex-clad barbie doll of wanky fauxdomination that’s caused me, and others, so much angst (apologies to Bitchy for appropriating the links, I’m just too lazy to look this shit up myself).
So, if not Mistress, than what? The boy wants to know what to call me, and I don’t know what to tell him. Because there really doesn’t seem to be anything better. Empress, Goddess, Princess, “My Lady…” Ugh, ugh, and ugh, with a side of derisive laughter. Pretentiousness is not my style.
Ma’am is the best thing that’s been suggested so far. It’s appropriately respectful, with the hierarchical connotation that puts me above him, so to speak. But fuck, it makes me feel like a schoolmarm or something, and not in that sexy, “oh, you’ve been such a naughty boy looking up Teacher’s skirt, I’ll have to punish you” way. The last person I want to feel like during kinky fun is Professor McGonagall.
Maybe I will give “Mistress” a try the next time I’m with Derek. See if I can get past the bullshit and own it.
