A full week.

Good stuff this week.  Here’s the semi-quick and dirty, since I really need to get off the computer and start my evening:

I quit my part-time job on Saturday.  It was very anticlimactic.  No tearful goodbyes after 6 years of employment, really no goodbyes of any kind.  The only person who knew it was my last day was the manager who makes the schedule.  it’s a little sad, and I’m feeling a little nervous about the fact that I won’t have that extra income anymore - it wasn’t a lot, but it put money in my wallet for things like lunches and snacks and reading material and gasoline.

Derek came over Tuesday night, for a nice low-pressure bondage-and-a-movie evening.  I’ve never done anything like that with anyone before.  It’s the kind of thing I’ve often thought about, but didn’t really think a play partner would want to do.  The best part is that I wasn’t the least bit stressed about it beforehand - usually I get anxious before playing, worrying about doing a good job, holding myself up to some vague standard of fabulous domhood or something.  Knowing that it’s on me to make sure we both have a good time, afraid that I’ll fail.

Yesterday was clay day.  The woman who used to be my boss, who I suppose I could now call a friend.. we’ll call her Rose here… anyhoo, she has a kiln and does ceramics, and she invited me over last week and yesterday to play with clay.  It’s going to be a weekly thing, which is so exciting.  I’ve done a fair bit of crafting, but very little actual art in the seven years since I graduated from college with my useless Fine Arts degree.  It felt so good to create like that, to use my hands to shape something from nothing.  I originally intended to make penis fountains, which I’ve been talking about doing for years, but ended up making goddesses instead.  I’m very excited about my three little ladies, even though they’re not quite done (and I need to fix a few things), so I have to show them off:

   

  

 

Tonight I’m going to try and hit up the Peep Show, since Artomatic is closing this weekend.  It’s already 6pm though and I haven’ t eaten or showered, so we’ll see how that goes.  Maybe I could go on Saturday instead…

Tomorrow night I’ll be at the local(ish) dungeon, for a burlesque show and play party.  It’ll be the first time I’ve been to that place in two years I think.  Then Saturday night is a women’s play party…  I’m trying not to be nervous.  Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me that I’ll be social and actually talk to people, and not stand in a corner looking painfully submissive by myself all night.

So..  Busy, busy!  And all good!  Xel even called me of his own volition last night, just to chat.  Now all I need is to get a decent night’s rest - self-discipline, where art thou?

 

Resolutions

I haven’t used the “bdsm” tag on a post in a long time.  That makes me sad, because it means I haven’t done anything kinky in far too long.  Haven’t even been noodling kinky things lately, aside from thinking about things I want to do, but am afraid won’t get the opportunity to do with Xel.  It’s even been a month since I’ve seen Derek.  We haven’t even been talking much on IM.  Sad, that.

Aside from the lack of kink though, life has been very.. full.  Well, not full exactly, but tiring.  It seems like almost every aspect of my life has been very uncertain lately, though now a lot of it seems to be resolving, to a degree.  I am not taking the new job I’ve been talking about.  I finally talked to the woman in charge, and she was very negative (which was a huge change from her enthusiasm after my first interview with her). To make a long story short, the guy I had the third interview with didn’t like me.  Apparently he found my hair color (even though I made sure to explain it and reassure him I was planning on changing it back) and my ample cleavage unprofessional.  Funny that, as he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, while I was wearing black pants and a dressy top.  I guess I took it too literally when they told me that they had already decided to hire me and that the third interview was just a formality to answer my questions and find out where I wanted to go in the company.    I also have suspicions that there is some sizism at work.  But whatever - fuck them, I didn’t really want to work there anyway.  Yeah.

So I’m going to stay at my current job and start really looking for something else, something with a set schedule, that I’ll actually enjoy, where I work for people who don’t dislike me.  I’ve also been dithering about quitting my part-time job, and I’ve almost made up my mind to do it.  Even though the money’s very handy, I think it’s an unhealthy place for me.

Then there’s the situation with MJ.  She’s been very sweet lately.  But I’ve finally, really, made up my mind about what to do about the relationship with her.  It looks like we’re going to be moving within the year (still in the same area though), for reasons not worth going into here.  So when that happens, I’m going to talk to her about having separate bedrooms, and slowly back things off from there.  It sounds a little like a cop-out, I know, but it feels right.

And Xel.   I don’t really know what the deal is with him.  In retrospect, I don’t think the email I sent was so embarassing after all.  But he still hasn’t responded to it.  I will probably call him tonight.  There are a lot of things I want to talk to him about - the nudist club, the dvd’s he burned for me, the fact that there’s only another week before the price of the September event increases, the fact that July 4th makes a long weekend.  The job offer I’m not taking.  What makes someone good in bed.  Whether he thinks Rose is hot or if he agrees with me that the excess of eye makeup is offputting.  And if “I’m not busy this weekend, do you want to come up and visit?” is ever something that might come out of his mouth.

 

a few words

I will eventually write more about last week’s retreat. 

Spent some time with Derek tonight, which was much overdue.  We didn’t have a lot of time, and spent half of it just talking, but it was all really good.  And I was actually nice and didn’t hurt him much.

And now it’s far past my bedtime.  I really don’t want to go to work tomorrow - it was far too nice being on vacation.

 

From hope to belief.

There are so very many other things I should be doing right now, but it’s been a long time since I wrote a decent post in here.  Or anywhere, for that matter.

The big thing on my mind lately is Beltane.  (And the continuously precarious nature of the relationship with MJ, but I’ve beaten that dead horse quite enough, thank you.)

On the first day of Beltane last year I conversed with a lovely gentleman who helped me set my intention for the weekend.  So I did, and got something very close to what I wanted.  This year, my intentions and hopes are the same.  But I am not.

I still hope, and intend, to find a partner.  For some sex, and ideally for something long term.  Not for what monogamists refer to as a “serious relationship,” but I wouldn’t call what I want “casual” either.  Hot sex, intimate connection, respect, and affection.  And did I mention hot sex?  Transcendent experiences.  An intense, reciprocal attraction.  Someone who’s willing to spend time and energy pleasing me.  As of course, I want to do in return.

But anyhoo.  I could go on at great length about passion and fucking and kissing and connection and cuddling and hands that dance across my body and swollen cock in my mouth.  But in a nutshell, it’s all the same stuff I wanted last year, the same desires that have always simmered in the back of my mind.

Last year… last year was an amazing experience.  I don’t think I ever fully captured the whole story of Xel with words.  Being with him was so incredibly much of what I wanted but didn’t expect to find.  So much so that just the fact of it having existed brings tears to my eyes. 

I grasped too hard though and it slipped through my fingers.

But I am not the same person who ached for fulfillment last year.  This year, I know that it is possible.  This year, I know more about myself.  This year, I have known Xel and his unintended revelations, I have known Derek and his submission.  I have been through another year of the rollercoaster ride with MJ.  I have worked the final year of my first full-time job and made plans for the future that I know I can accomplish.

This year, I believe myself capable of the things I’ve wished for for years. 

And that’s it, that’s the difference.  It boils down to the transformation of hope into belief.  What an amazing thing that is.  And what an amazing year it’s been. 

And now, I’m off to make things happen.

 

 

 

fun with Derek

Today was the first time I’ve seen Derek in weeks.  I didn’t really do any of the things I had originally intended, but it was all still good. 

 

Maybe I’ll have time to write more later….