Fuck. Me.

I manage to feel shitty about the same things over and over. I would actually welcome a new problem, if it would let me stop worrying the same unsolvable shit again.

I have a need for touch that is never addressed. (Sometimes I wish I weren’t so fucking picky about who I’m attracted to. Or thinner. Same thing, really, when you think about it. When I think about it anyway. But back to the touch thing.) I’d call it a craving, but the only word that really works is need. Maybe it seems silly, but I feel like a loving touch on a regular basis would keep me sane. Without it I feel like I’m going to fly apart at the seams and implode at the same time. I would give up something precious for a certain sort of person to look at me with lust in their eyes and love in their hands.

The past few weeks, I felt like I’d finally gotten over my discontent. Finally ok with the current relationships in my life. I think that’s what the unstoppable headaches I’ve been getting are really all about. Tamping down my own needs, stuffing emotional pain back inside myself, stressing out without letting myself address it. The real problem is that I don’t know how to address it.

Fuck, maybe I’m just hormonal - the urge to cry has been very close behind my eyes the past day or two. As a matter of fact, I cried after I masturbated today. Curled up, sobbing on the floor. I hate that shit. Can’t even have a good wank, ’cause it just makes me feel lonely and fundamentally, heartbreakingly unfulfilled. Again. Blah.

I’m feeling desperate and that’s bad. It also makes me unhappy with MJ. It doesn’t help that she spent hours “fooling around” on the couch with someone else last night. She and I have actually had some sex lately, but she never seems to touch me more than she thinks she has to.

Fuck, it hurts that’s she so reluctant to touch me, but she’ll do fucking strangers for hours. (…while I’m aching with the need for it…) Fuck, it hurts.

It brings me back frighteningly close to those many years when I hated myself and my body. I am very aware of the fact that a very large number of people would find me repulsive. Generally, I don’t really care, or I try not to. But when I was a teenager, I used to cry all the time because, more than anything in the world I wanted to be loved with touch, and I didn’t think anyone would ever really want to touch me. I know that’s not true now, but maybe one doesn’t really ever get over feeling ugly as a teenager.

I guess I got myself into this damn situation though. I’ve always known MJ wasn’t sensual. I guess I just didn’t realize how much that would matter.

But what to do? Crying about it doesn’t do a goddamn thing except give me a headache. If only Xel hadn’t turned out to be a jerk. That would have been such a good arrangement. Such a perfect fit into my life. I’d have been able to have my cake and eat it too. But he’s history… so what to do, what to do? Get more aggressive with the personal ads, I suppose. Stop fucking whining about it here and feeling sorry for myself. ‘Cause I hate that shit, too.

 

"lean gene"

Last week or the week before, there were a bunch of headlines talking about a recently-discovered “lean gene.” A multitude of news articles in a multitude of publications, raving about how this new gene is going to “zap fat & diabetes” and how it’s “a high-level master switch that tells the body whether to accumulate or burn fat.” Newspapers were touting it as a way to stop weight gain and combat the “obesity epidemic!”

The fact that this gene only affects about a pound a year of fat was usually stuck in as a one sentence afterthought, or ignored entirely.

Sensationalism reigns.

 

fatness is a killer disease that must be eradicated!

Many, if not all of you reading, may have heard of a recent “scientific” study that spawned headlines like “Are Your Friends Making You Fat?” The biggest implication seems to be that size acceptance is causing the “obesity epidemic.”

Here is a response to the “scientific” study: http://www.healthateverysize.info/2007/07/is-fat-hatred-c.html. She makes some excellent points that all of the mainstream media seem to have either missed or ignored in favor of inflammatory headlines and subtle (or not-so-subtle) hatemongering.

 

Is fat a feminist issue?

While pondering possible topics for my own blog posts, I came across this discussion about fat being a feminist issue. I’m sure I have something to say about it, but my brain feels a little fried at the moment.

And here’s another blogger’s response to it - even if you don’t read the original discussion, read this. (I haven’t read the rest of her blog, but I love her a little bit already.)

 

Even though a lot of things about the way I am are deliberate choices, I’m getting rather tired of being so much that’s unattractive.