She just got back, past 9:00 in the morning.
I asked her where the fuck she’s been, and promptly burst into tears. Didn’t see that one coming. At least I got out what I wanted to say while I was crying. She seemed rather stunned. She got very quiet and apologized.
*sigh*
I’m sure she thinks I’m overreacting. She rolled her eyes when I expressed grumpiness about spending Saturday night at home by myself. It didn’t even occur to her to invite me along - maybe that’s dumb and clingy, but it hurts my feelings.
So not only was I extremely worried, since the last I’d heard she was not feeling well and planning on coming straight home from work, but she deliberately excluded me and left me to punt around the house on a Saturday night.
[And she's out of the shower now, so I guess I'll write more later.]
Dammit, MJ got off work at 6 but hasn’t come home or called. I hate when she does this crap. Thoughtless bitch.
[This was written as a comment on one of devastatingyet's posts, but I want to put it here too, because it's something I have strong feelings about but haven't actually posted yet.]
I feel totally awkward when I try to dress up for bdsm, especially playing at home. I’ve been trying to explain to my play partner how all the “sexy dominatrix” paraphernalia makes me feel but he doesn’t seem to get it. I’ll have to show him this blog post.
The most sterotypically femininely sexy thing I’ve felt comfortable sceneing in was a red cotton skirt with a black tank top. And bare feet. (It is so much more physically and mentally comfortable to scene in bare feet.)
I am all about the cargo shorts and tank tops in the summer.
I think it comes down to power. I want to feel powerful when I scene, in fact that’s why I do this stuff. Wearing uncomfortable, expensive, restrictive clothes that are so blatantly made to conform to beauty standards that piss me off… yeah, no feeling of power in that. Wearing clothes I’m comfortable in, that I can move in, that reflect *my* ideas of attractiveness, clothes that I can forget about while I’m doing all the stuff that *does* make me feel powerful… that feels good.
It seems that MJ and I have had more sex in the past couple of months than in the whole rest of the year previous. Starting just after I wrote that post about how we’re not sexually compatible, heh.
It’s kind of funny how the tables have turned - used to be I was the one frustrated because she never wanted to get it on, now she’s the one who pouts about it if we don’t have sex regularly. At least we’re more on the same page than before. It’s still a bit imbalanced but not nearly as much as it used to be. We do have a bit of the lesbian sheep problem though - both of us want to be the one getting it and neither of us really wants to do the work.
2 lazy dykes = 1 rather routine sex life
It would help if she didn’t always want to fuck when I’m really tired. We need to have more days off together and have some hot mid-afternoon sex. Preferably involving MJ in a tiny skirt and thigh-highs, and me with the strap-on. Perhaps this week while I’m on vacation..
[and I just have to say.. I love how sensitive her nipples are now she's been on hormones.. The last time we had sex I made her come by fondling her breasts while she was on top of me (oh, how I love finding new buttons to push!). The expression on her face when I made her come like that was one of the hottest and most beautifully erotic things I've laid eyes on in a long time. ^_^]
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I don’t think I’ve ever felt this stressed at Christmas before. Even though I’m pagan now, Christmas is still my favorite holiday. There’s just so much warm fuzzy sentimentalism, traditions and nostalgia in addition to that fact that I love giving presents, so usually it’s fun. I get to do some guilt-free shopping as well as crafting a lot of handmade gifts, and then wrap them up all pretty while listening to holiday music.
This year though, it’s like it all came up so fast. I didn’t want to get into any Christmas stuff until Thanksgiving was over, but then all of a sudden I had to get all this stuff done and had no time to do it. I was hoping to make most of my gifts this year so I could use some of the immense hoard of supplies, save some money, and give presents that really mean something. Well, it’s a wonderful idea, but holy crap I have no time. I picked a bad time to start a lot of things, and procrastinate a lot of things. And all the events! Family parties, work parties, women’s circle, yule celebration, friends’ parties… It’s all wonderful! But time consuming.
*deep breath*
I need to just chill the fuck out. I’ve been running at this near-panic state for the past week, and it’s sucking all the joy out of my favorite time of year and running me down in a big way. This year in particular has so much good stuff going on, and I’m not letting myself enjoy it. Ugh. Well, as of this moment, I’m not going to be like that anymore. There’s no reason to panic, there’s only one thing that I absolutely have to do before Christmas, and the rest isn’t such a big deal.
I’m going to relax, and be chill, and enjoy all the goodness life has to offer.
And now I’m going to get ready to seduce my girlfriend when she comes home.
