August 1, 2007
There’s no sex in my violence
Posted by almostmagic under Derek, Xel, bdsm, domination, kinky sex, sadism, who I amIt’s probably not the best idea to play with people I’m not attracted to.
I think that was part of the bad reaction I had on Sunday/Monday. It’s not just attraction though, it’s connection too, though for me they tend to go somewhat hand in hand. There is just no attraction (on my part, at least), no feeling of connection with Derek. That very much contributed to the distance and coldness and feeling of having whored myself.
I have never had a romantic relationship that incorporated any elements of kink, aside from an experiment or two with thoroughly vanilla partners. I did get into the relationship with MJ thinking she was submissive, but it was something of a bait and switch, in more ways than one, ha. These days, it seems like we’re both continually fighting to be the top.
But I digress…
My personal history is probably very strange. I did bdsm first, then sex, then dating. All of it separately, and none of it until I was 22 or 23. Curiously, all of my kink experience has been mostly non-sexual, for me. Almost all of it has been unarousing. (But wait.. this stuff is supposed to turn me on, right?)
I think… I’ve just always settled for doing it with the wrong people, people I’m not attracted to, and often barely interested in, aside from some symbiotic interests. Because if I didn’t do that, I wouldn’t be doing anything at all. Only once in a blue moon do I meet a person I’m attracted to who is also attracted to me. Especially someone kinky.
I want to do the wonderful things other people are experiencing. We all want to have our needs met, right? I just wish I knew how to go about doing that.
Fuck, this entry wasn’t supposed to be me whining again about never getting laid. It was supposed to be about the conjunction of bdsm and sex. It’s very intersting to me to read Bitchy’s blog, where for her kink and sex are all mushed together. It’s never been like that for me outside of fantasy. Though I find the ideas of kinky stuff arousing, I very rarely get turned on during the acts. I’ve been pondering it lately, and thinking that that was because I always do kink with people I’m not attracted to. But that interlude with Xel when I made him cry… it was amazing and wonderful in such a hard-to-describe way, but it had nothing to do with sex at all.
So it seems that my sadism isn’t really linked to my sexuality. It is more a feeling of vicious glee that I get from hurting boys. It’s only the explicitly sexual acts that feel sexual to me. Which I guess really isn’t all that weird.
I’m aching for a chance to explore all of this in a physical way, try things out and see how it all feels. I guess I just haven’t had enough sex or kink to have truly figured out what works for me and how it all intertwines.
August 3, 2007 at 10:53 am
So strange - As you posted this I was halfway through writing a post on a similar topic. It’s curious to see how groups of blogs seem to move in similar directions simlutaneously.
August 3, 2007 at 4:43 pm
Your experiences echo my own to a frightening degree of similarity.
“Though I find the ideas of kinky stuff arousing, I very rarely get turned on during the acts.“
This is exactly how it is for me as well. If you hurt me, my dick does not get hard, it wilts. And it wilts fast. This has always confused people who think just because I like getting hurt that I should like it sexually. I think some are simply narrow-minded and the others just different from me.
I do like pain. But I have never really been able to eroticize it. It’s just not something that makes me get all hard and want to fuck you. It fucking hurts, damnit. And like I’ve said before, I’m not a masochist.
“It’s only the explicitly sexual acts that feel sexual to me. Which I guess really isn’t all that weird. … I’m aching for a chance to explore all of this in a physical way, try things out and see how it all feels. I guess I just haven’t had enough sex or kink to have truly figured out what works for me.“
Ditto again, so no, it’s not all that weird at all. Even after mixing sex and pain and whatnot after Eileen’s sort of pushed me into it, it’s still only the really sexual stuff that feels sexual to me. But then again, I do think BDSM is a kind of emotional sexuality in itself.
Having more sex and more scenes may or may not be the way to go about figuring out what works for you. I would say that for me, it was having different sex and scenes that gave me the wide variety of experiences on which to draw from and from which to differentiate the things that I felt. Sometimes it’s hard to see a thing until you feel as though you have seen it from many angles.
Also, I like your writing.
August 6, 2007 at 6:42 pm
I never connected genital sex with BDSM. I don’t feel that makes it any less sexual for me.
After my first couple of years post-virginity I tended to think of sex being emotional as physical. I was also excessively romantic. And that let to terrific problems.
I think Alexandra gets her strongest physical sexual reaction shortly after the end of a successful scene as she moves out of sadistic space.
August 12, 2007 at 1:34 pm
Eileen: your post was, of course, far more articulate than mine. Somehow it seems I’m always reading blogs like yours and thinking, “why didn’t I think to say that?”
Maymay: variety was part of what I meant by “more.” Because yeah, I won’t figure out if I like cake when I only eat ice cream all the time.
And thank you for the compliment. ^_^ I like your writing too.
Richard: I’m curious about your last statement.. How does that work with you?
May 4, 2008 at 7:17 pm
[...] response to Under The Boot, about kink and arousal. Since undertheboot is linking this post I wrote last August and now a bunch of people are reading it, I feel like I need to clarify some [...]