*sigh* I called Xel last night. I had told him it was up to him to contact me, but then realized that Memorial Day is quickly approaching, and since it’s a long weekend it would be an optimal time to get together.
I was kind of uncomfortable with the fact that I called him instead of waiting for him to take the initiative, and told him so. I mentioned that I don’t want to set myself up to get shit on, and I don’t want to just be some girl he fucked and forgot about as soon as I was gone and now I’m calling him when he could really care less. He came up silent for a moment, and mentioned that he has a hard time finding words when he’s emotional. Or something like that. But he assured me that it was not the case that I’m just some girl he fucked and forgot, that I’m a very interesting person or something, and related a conversation he’d had with the people he drove to Beltane with this year. They asked him about last year’s gathering, and he told them that the best and most memorable part of the event was the night he spent with me. They made ribald comments, but he told them it was the non-sexual stuff that made it amazing, that it was beautiful and special, or some variant thereof.
So, you know, that was nice to hear, even though I felt there was some other stuff he was afraid to say or something. We ended up talking for two hours, about hiking and his exgirlfriend, bdsm and sexual fantasies. We’re supposed to get together for Memorial Day weekend, assuming he doesn’t flake out on me. And I asked him to go to another sacred sexuality event with me in September, which he agreed to, as long as his trip to Burning Man doesn’t interfere (which it shouldn’t since Burning Man is three weeks before) or use up all his vacation time.
I felt good about the conversation, and him, when I got off the phone last night. Today I’m… wavering. He really mind-fucked me last year and now that I confronted him and we’ve restarted the relationship I’m having a really hard time processing it all and dealing with it. Doubting him, and doubting myself, wondering if it’s stupid of me to take him back, wondering if I should have.. done something more, not just had one conversation about the fact that he’s a jerk before jumping back into bed with him. Feeling like he doesn’t give a crap, but then remembering his impassioned gratitude as he clung to me so fervently by the fire on Saturday night. And realizing that the doubts are largely pessimism and fear talking.
Hopefully he will call or email soon, I could use some affirmation.
Speaking of which, at the end of the conversation last night, I told him that before he hung up he had to tell me something nice. He paused for a minute and said, “Well, I was thinking about this when I saw you at Beltane and it’s something that I can’t believe that I had forgotten, but you have the most gorgeous, amazing eyes. The most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen.” Or something to that effect.
